I'm late posting for yesterday. My day started out pretty well. It was a beautiful day that God had given us to start our day by going to church to worship Him. About half way through church my knees started to hurt so bad that I could barely sit still. When it came time to go up to the altar to celebrate the Holy Eucharist, I was afraid to kneel because I was hurting so bad that I wasn't sure if I could get up or not. So I stood and I hate when I have to do that. I did ok going up the 3 steps to the altar but had to have help getting down. When we got in the car, I took a couple of breakthrough pain pills. They helped a little which was good because we were headed to my mother-in-law's for the day. She lives on the second floor and I didn't think I was going to make it up the stairs to her apartment my knees and legs hurt so badly. After a nice lunch, I was ready to rest. She needed to go to the grocery store (she can no longer drive due to being legally blind) and I didn't have a list with me and I didn't know what to tell Bill we needed. So, I put my shoes back on to go to Kroger with them.
Bill went with his mother to help her shop and I took off by myself. My goal was to get everything we needed and go sit down in the deli area until they finished. And that was what I did. I know they really weren't that long finishing up after me but it seemed like forever. When we were leaving the store, I asked Bill to help his mother to the car so that I could lean on the cart. We were parked in the first handicapped spot from the door but I may as well have walked a mile. The pain was so intense just from walking through the grocery store. Bill got his mother in the car and then put the groceries in the trunk while I crawled in the car and stretch out best I could on the back seat. I always wear my seat belt but not Sunday afternoon. There was no way I could stand the idea of bending my knees to sit normally in the car. My feet had begun to feel like I had construction bricks for shoes.
When we got back to her apartment, I had to tackle the stairs again. It hurt even worse walking up the stairs again. We got upstairs and Bill helped her get the groceries put away and I hit the couch.
I felt so guilty not helping with anything. Usually I wash the dishes after lunch but I just couldn't do it Sunday so an 83 year old with knees that need replacing did them. Bill and I usually put her groceries away together. But no, I couldn't do it. I feel useless, helpless and like a burden to my family a good bit of the time because everyone else is working and I'm sitting on the couch in tears because the pain has gotten so intense. This is the life I've been given but I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to live it.
Yup. This is where I am now, and I am often accused as just being lazy. To be honest, I have all my life been somewhat like a horse, looking for the path of least resistance....yeah, had to give up on my horses, too, a few years ago, after hoping for two years I'd get better!....anyhow, not lazy, just overwhelmed by fatigue and constant pain in varying levels day to day. Still working, but it's a factory job that is 8 hours a day, two 10 min breaks, half hour lunch sitting, which offers little relief, no concessions available for my inabilities, and punishment for too many sick days or Dr. appointments. Oh, yeah-- I have to run to the bathroom after each hr to hr and a half JUST TO SIT DOWN and try to rest/alleviate the pain. I can't quit, because we need my meager income to supplement and pay bills! However, I've been trying for a year to find an office job with opportunity to alternate sitting/standing. I'm only 51, and have only ever done retail for now-- but jobs aren't growing on trees, and part time isn't going to cut it. . So I'm starting my SSDI process now. It may not be the best income, but I feel I need the rest and time to heal, and hopefully get my photography business off the ground, and get off SSDI and do the work I love that doesn't kill me! We shall see....
ReplyDeleteMy husband, being the tough guy he is, thinks I'm overreacting to pain. But this isn't the case. Depression since age 11, dx'd with bipolar II several years ago, arthritis since age 36, plantar fasciitis the last 5 years (and flat feet all my life!)....chronic sinusitis, chronic periodontal disease, porous bones, anxiety....just so much. And gradually stealing my life and energy from me. And little support from loved ones who don't understand. At least I have a great nurse practioner, who has treated me for so long, taken copious notes on my records, and gets me. Now I think it may be time to add a rheumy or pain specialist, just in case SS needs more info.
Sorry, I know your blog post is old, I did need to vent though. I've read a lot of your posts, and I can so relate. At the same time, your faith and strength encourages me! I know God has something in mind, I'm where I need to be for right now. Wish I knew why, but I trust Him. It's just so hard to keep pushing on, most days. Thanks for your blog, I hope you are well and happy, I'll be reading some more! (-:
Yup. This is where I am now, and I am often accused as just being lazy. To be honest, I have all my life been somewhat like a horse, looking for the path of least resistance....yeah, had to give up on my horses, too, a few years ago, after hoping for two years I'd get better!....anyhow, not lazy, just overwhelmed by fatigue and constant pain in varying levels day to day. Still working, but it's a factory job that is 8 hours a day, two 10 min breaks, half hour lunch sitting, which offers little relief, no concessions available for my inabilities, and punishment for too many sick days or Dr. appointments. Oh, yeah-- I have to run to the bathroom after each hr to hr and a half JUST TO SIT DOWN and try to rest/alleviate the pain. I can't quit, because we need my meager income to supplement and pay bills! However, I've been trying for a year to find an office job with opportunity to alternate sitting/standing. I'm only 51, and have only ever done retail for now-- but jobs aren't growing on trees, and part time isn't going to cut it. . So I'm starting my SSDI process now. It may not be the best income, but I feel I need the rest and time to heal, and hopefully get my photography business off the ground, and get off SSDI and do the work I love that doesn't kill me! We shall see....
ReplyDeleteMy husband, being the tough guy he is, thinks I'm overreacting to pain. But this isn't the case. Depression since age 11, dx'd with bipolar II several years ago, arthritis since age 36, plantar fasciitis the last 5 years (and flat feet all my life!)....chronic sinusitis, chronic periodontal disease, porous bones, anxiety....just so much. And gradually stealing my life and energy from me. And little support from loved ones who don't understand. At least I have a great nurse practioner, who has treated me for so long, taken copious notes on my records, and gets me. Now I think it may be time to add a rheumy or pain specialist, just in case SS needs more info.
Sorry, I know your blog post is old, I did need to vent though. I've read a lot of your posts, and I can so relate. At the same time, your faith and strength encourages me! I know God has something in mind, I'm where I need to be for right now. Wish I knew why, but I trust Him. It's just so hard to keep pushing on, most days. Thanks for your blog, I hope you are well and happy, I'll be reading some more! (-: