I Need Patience as Well as Trust

July 2, 2010

This morning I began reading Sheila Walsh’s new book, Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God. I’ve only read the introduction and first chapter but already see so many ways where her battle with depression parallels my battle with fibromyalgia. I have a hard time trusting because of things that happened in the past. I hope that when I finish this study, I will have learned to trust God more in my everyday life, to finally, once and for all, turn my life completely over to Him, trusting Him to direct my path even when I don’t understand where it is headed. I think I’ve always trusted God on the big stuff but the day to day stuff has been a challenge. Sheila says that waiting on his direction and trusting in his presence helps us to become more like Christ. I need patience as well as trust. I want the instant answers that I receive when I am in charge. Maybe the key to me trusting is to have patience to wait for his will to become clear to me.

Jesus wants us to trust him so completely that we no longer question anything that he puts into our hands or on the path he has chooses for our lives. That’s my biggest struggle right now. It’s hard to trust when your body rebels and you hurt so badly that you cannot pull your self out of bed for days on end. It’s hard to trust when your mind is so foggy that you can’t remember the next word in the sentence. It’s hard to trust that all will be well when your income is cut in half and the bills go up. It’s hard to trust when the bill collectors are calling. It’s hard to trust when you aren’t able to do the things you use to. You get the picture.

Job wrote that “Yes, God does these things again and again for people. He rescues them up from the grave.” Job 33:29-30 (NLT) Isn’t that wonderful news? Over and over God is there for us and will pick us up when we fall or when someone turns against us.

Sometimes in the process of learning to trust, we suffer. We don’t like to suffer. Who would? And who would believe that suffering can be helpful? The Bible tells us that suffering truly can be helpful so I work toward finding that help. Suffering is helpful if we turn to God for understanding, endurance and deliverance. Turning from him will only make things worse and harden our hearts. When we lay our suffering at his feet, we are able to learn from a trustworthy God. When allow ourselves to learn from God, it prepares us to accept help from others who are obeying God’s order to help others.

“When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always, be eager to practice hospitality”. Romans 12:13 (NLT)

“Here are some of the parts God has appointed for the church…those who can help others”. 1 Corinthians 12:28 (NLT)

In Joshua 1:5, God assures Joshua that He will be there for him just like he was for Moses. He promised … I will not fail you nor abandon you. Aren’t those beautiful words? God is here with us every step of the way. I think about how Joshua must have felt following in Moses footsteps. As the saying goes, those were some big shoes to fill. Joshua went from being an assistant to being the person who would finally lead the Israelites into the Promised Land – all two million of them. I’m sure that he must have felt overwhelmed. God always reminded him to be strong, courageous and follow God’s word for direction. That’s what we need to do as well. Joshua 1:7 – 9 tells us:

"Be strong and courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord you God is with you wherever you go.” (NLT)

There Is Something to My Life

Written July 10, 2010.

Anxiety has its use, stimulating us to seek with keener longing for that peace which is complete and unassailable. – Saint Augustine of Hippo

Anxiety, worry, nervous, uneasiness. Use whichever word you want but those of us with fibromyalgia and other chronic pain illnesses could write a book on it. We feel that we have to think and rethink every decision we make. Making the wrong decision could result in more pain for our already pain riddled bodies. When Paul was writing the Philippians, in verses 4: 6-7 he told them

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

We should believe and live our lives according to these verses but so many of us, me included, find it so hard to do at times. The desire for relief from pain overwhelms our ability to think rationally. Job who shared our pain, allowed his desire to understand why he was suffering to make him question God. Through Job’s life, we learn that knowing God is better than knowing answers, God is not arbitrary or uncaring and pain is not always punishment. I’ve been guilty many times of asking why. Why has God allowed me to be in so much pain that I can no longer work? What did I do? What sin did I commit? The answer I always hear is "Have Faith."  So I struggle on, trying to remember that God is here beside me, catching me when I fall. Is it easy? No. Is the reward worth it? Absolutely! God has never failed me and I continue to believe that he has a plan for my life. I try to be patient and wait for Him to show me what he would have me do.

Job shared our physical pain. In Job 7, he talks to God about his pain.

"Human life is a struggle, isn't it? It's a life sentence to hard labor. Like field hands longing for quitting time and working stiffs with nothing to hope for but payday, I'm given a life that meanders and goes nowhere — months of aimlessness, nights of misery! I go to bed and think, 'How long till I can get up? I toss and turn as the night drags on and I'm fed up! My days come and go swifter than the click of knitting needles, and then the yarn runs out—an unfinished life!"

Sounding familiar? Read a little more.

"And so I'm not keeping one bit of this quiet, I'm laying it all out on the table my complaining to high heaven is bitter, but honest. Are you going to put a muzzle on me, the way you quiet the sea and still the storm? If I say, 'I'm going to bed, then I'll feel better. A little nap will lift my spirits, You come and so scare me with nightmares and frighten me with ghosts that I'd rather strangle in the bedclothes than face this kind of life any longer. I hate this life! Who needs any more of this? Let me alone! There's nothing to my life — it's nothing but smoke." (The Message)

Life truly is a struggle, isn't it? How much of a struggle depends on our response. Do we turn to God first and then our family and friends to help us or do we go it alone? If we are really honest with ourselves, most of us would probably admit that we are more likely to go it alone first. After all, we've heard all our life that God helps those who help themselves. That saying is not from the Bible but comes to us by way of Benjamin Franklin (Poor Richard's Almanac, 1736).  Mr. Franklin was a deist and so he believed that God did not play an active role in men's lives. In his point of view if man was not able to help himself, then man was hopeless.  That is simply not true.  God does not find us hopeless.  He loves us and is waiting to help us out of our feelings of hopelessness. Turning to God first is the best solution for any and all struggles we face. God may not take away our pain and suffering but He will be there with us, to comfort us, to love us and to guide us.

Philippians is one of my favorite books in the Bible. I gather so much strength from Paul’s encouraging words. I encourage you to read Philippians and especially chapter 4. I sometimes feel that I am a prisoner in my own body. Paul was a very real prisoner in a very real Roman prison when he wrote 

"I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances.  Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." 

God showed Paul how to be content under the circumstances he was in. I believe that God will also help us to be content in our circumstances, if we will let Him.  Allowing God to be in control of our lives will bring us hope, love, joy and contentment.  Let go of your anxiety and turn it over to God.  He's waiting for you to let Him in.

May the peace of our Lord be with you today and always.

The Countdown is On! A Change is Coming!

After being gone for so long from this blog, it looks like I'm coming back to it soon.  We've had a roller coaster ride over the last 9 months.  Some was fibro related, other things became fibro related because of the stress that threw me into a flare from dealing with it.  I've got a post started I'll share with you next week about the craziness around the Martin house.

When I started this blog, I was in constant pain that pretty much never got lower that a 7 and when it did, it didn't stay there long.  I found an awesome pain management specialist and have learned a lot about how to pace myself.  Because of this, I am managing my pain pretty well and keeping it in the 4, 5, and 6 levels most of the time.  I still have plenty of days that hit an 8, 9, or 10. I'm just blessed to have some good days in between them now.

I've had lots of time to think about what I wanted to do blog wise. I thought about just abandoning it - for a very short period of time.  I thought about how boring my pain is this days and figured if it was boring to me, it probably would be to you guys as well. I definitely feel that I'm to be an advocate for those of us who suffer with chronic pain. So I'm coming back.

I'm coming back with new ideas that I want to share.  In addition to hearing about how fibromyaliga rules my life, I want to share research information, articles on our illnesses and have some guest bloggers come in.  I've also thought about doing some giveaways.  :-)

I don't know about you but housework, grocery shopping, menu planning and cooking can really be HUGE problems for me when I pain is really bad.  I'll be sharing ways to get these things done with your pain and how to keep these things from increasing your pain.

We need to relax whenever we can but I have a hard time just sitting watching TV or playing on the computer.  I'll be sharing ideas for activities that will be both relaxing and fun.  Right now I'm thinking about book reviews, blog reviews, crafts and sewing/quilting.


Sundays will be a no writing day.  My plan is to share something with you that had an impact on my life that week through pictures and/or a Bible verse.


I'd love to hear what you think about these ideas.  Is this the kinds of things you'd like to see?  Should I stop writing all together? What do you want to see on the pages of My Life with Fibromyalgia pain? Please let me know through a comment.

Fibromyaliga Effects Every Part of Our Lives - How it Effects My Church Attendance and Spirituality

The fibro has decided to let up a little bit!  I felt so blessed to wake up yesterday and my pain was down to a Level 4!   Not only was I able to go to church, I didn't have to leave the service  to go take breakthrough pain meds.  Often I have to get up and leave to walk around to ease the lower back pain and I didn't have to do that!


My church attendance and ability to take part in the services has drastically changed because of Fibromyalgia.  It's yet another example of how we have to reassess how to do things that before Fibromyalgia we did without thinking about it.  


Psalm 95:6 tells us to Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker. Sunday, I was able to kneel at the altar for communion.  I was so happy.  My priest has told me for years that God doesn't care if I kneel or stand because God knows my heart.  While I know that to be true, it is important to me to kneel as a sign of reverence and to humble myself before God. 

St. Andrew's Episcopal Church, Collierville, TN

Our church was built in 1890 apparently without an altar rail. At some point a flimsy, low brass rail was installed. It was pretty low to the ground and hard to get up and down.  I learned when I had knee surgery several years ago that it was not sturdy enough to use as a way to help myself get up from the kneeling position.  Between my pain levels and Bill's work schedule, we were unable to attend services as much as I wanted to this winter/spring.  I was thrilled to walk in the door several months ago and see a beautiful wooden altar rail that matches the interior of the church.  When we went up for communion, I was pleased to find that not only was the kneeler higher than the old one, it was sturdy!  Now I don't worry about being able to get up without taking the rail with me.


While not being able to kneel has been emotionally difficult, it is nothing compared to the emotional roller coaster caused by the changes Fibro Fog has brought to my prayer life, Bible study and being able to serve as a Eucharistic Minister.

St. Andrew's Episcopal Church, Collierville, TN

As a Eucharistic Minister, I assisted the priest during the Eucharist by administering the wine.  I served for the last time in November 2010.  I had a dizzy spell and almost fell standing in front of the altar (and in front of about 100 people!) within seconds of stepping up to the altar.  A short time later, I forgot the words that I have literally said hundreds of times.  As you serve the wine, you say "the blood of Christ, cup of our Salvation."  Depending on how many people are in attendance, you repeat the line probably 50 times in a short window of time. That Sunday I had served 25 - 30 people and as I moved on to the next person, I forgot what I was supposed to say.  No matter how hard I thought, I couldn't remember it. My mind was totally blank. In reality, I'm sure I didn't stand there speechless for more than 20 - 30 seconds.  It seemed like hours.   I was fortunate that the person I was serving was a young child who didn't notice my mistake. The few minutes left in the service seemed to be 100 times longer than it actually was.  That day I lost any shred of confidence I had ever had in my ability to continue to serve as a Eucharistic Minister.  It was one more thing that Fibromyalgia and the accompanying Fibro Fog has stolen from me.

The Order of the Daughters of the King Cross

I am a member of a religious order, The Order of the Daughters of the King. The mission of our Order is the extension of Christ's Kingdom through prayer, service and evangelism. When I entered the order, I made a life-long vow to live by the Rule of the Order which requires a spiritual discipline of daily prayer, service and evangelism, dedicated to the spread of Christ's Kingdom and the strengthening of the spiritual life of my parish.   We wear our crosses at all times as a outward and visible sign we cannot live without Christ in our lives.  I no longer wear my cross when I'm at home because the weight of the cross and it's chain cause pain to my neck and shoulders.  That small pewter cross feels like it weighs 5 pounds when I have it on so I put it on immediately before leaving home and take it off as soon as I am back.

Fibro fog has changed my ability to pray as I once did. Many times I've realized that while praying my thoughts have wandered to thinking about doing laundry or cooking dinner.  Just as when I carry on a conversation, I will completely "blank out" on what i was saying.  In a conversation with people, they are able to prompt me so that sometimes I am able to complete the conversation.  When it happens during prayer, I try glancing at my prayer list.  Sometimes I see a word on the list that prompts me and I can begin again.  Other times I'm forced to ask God's forgiveness and go on from there.  My bedtime prayers are the worst because I'm pretty sure that I fall asleep in the middle of a sentence.  I am no longer able to do the intensive Bible studies that I once did.  It take numerous times of reading a verse to grasp the message in it.  This has progressively gotten worse because last year at this time I was writing devotionals dealing with pain.  Now it takes me forever to write anything that has any "meat" to it.  This blog entry is an example of that.  I started it yesterday morning and this is the third time I've written on it, trying for it to have substance.


Because it has gotten so lengthy, I'm going to close.  I hope I've given you an idea of how my mind works - or doesn't work - these days.  


PS:  I hope you enjoy the pictures and it makes this post a little easier to read.  I've read that pictures are good to keep the readers attention but I've been in too much pain to try gathering pictures related to the subject.  Since the pictures I used were already on my computer, It was much easier to do.  Hopefully, I'll be able to use pictures again.  Right now, it's time for my morning nap.