Fibromyalgia - It's a Lifetime Contract

I was going through some old files on the computer and found some things I wrote before I ever started this blog.  These were my feelings in 2010 about a year after I was forced to retire.  I'll be posting them over the next few days. Hope you enjoy them!

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Fibro came by tonight.  It’s Sunday night and Fibro seems to think that insomnia is a good thing on Sunday nights, so she brought some by and forced it on me.  I did everything I could today to not anger her but apparently it wasn’t enough.  I came straight home from church and changed into loose fitting clothes.  I didn’t do any housework or anything like that.  The only thing I did was sit at the sewing machine and enjoy myself.  I even got up and moved around and didn't sit there for long at a time.

Fibro was really nice.  Well, at least she thinks she’s being nice.  Fibro reminded me that she took care of that job that I had to get up and go to.  Now all I have to do is lie around, hurt and be tired all the time so why not stay up all night.  I loved my job.  I worked so hard to become a paralegal.  I love the law and contracts were my favorite thing to do.  Talking to the recruiters and the potential employees was so much fun. I enjoyed preparing their draft contracts and that let me know that I had chosen the right career. I will admit that I had the worse boss I had ever had in my professional career.  The co-workers weren’t so great either.  All I wanted to do was work a year so I had experience and then look for a job with a law firm.  

But no, Fibro couldn’t stand that I had plans for my future.  She had to stick her nose in my business and start taking away my memory.  Slowly she would sneak a bit of information out here and there until I couldn’t remember something from Monday to Wednesday.  Then Fibro snuck the pain in.  I could never get comfortable in my chair.  My back and legs hurt all the time and my hands would go to sleep if I held the phone in one hand for too long.  But she wasn’t happy with that.  Oh, no.  She wanted really show me what all she had to give me.  The pain got worse and worse until finally I could barely get dressed in the morning.  And the fatigue, Fibro threw a lot of fatigue in the mix.  When I finally got dressed and made it to work, the parking lot was yet another obstacle to face.  Walking to the building seemed like climbing Mt. Everest.  I could barely pick my feet up.  I guess Fibro put concrete in my shoes because they had to weigh 500 lbs.  So many times, I thought I was going to have to sit down in the street and rest to make it to the building.  Seems I have a life time contract with Fibro with no loop holes to void the contract.  She’s here to stay.  There’s nothing that I can do but watch her continue her hostile takeover of my body.

I have other lifetime contracts but they are not like my contract with Fibro.  I chose to make them and they give me joy and happiness, not pain and sorrow.

I have my marriage contract with Bill.  I love carrying that out.  I have the most wonderful, loving husband who does all he can to care for me when Fibro drops by.  In a way, Bill has a contract with Fibro too.  She’s taken so many of my hopes and dreams for the future and they were his hopes and dreams too.  We are a team, bound together by our love and our vow to God to be with each other “in sickness and health, till death do us part”.  He says I’m not a burden but I sure feel that way.  My Bill is always there for me even if he doesn’t know what to say. After all, what is there to say about Fibro.

Then there’s my contract with my children.  I have two of the most wonderful children that a mother could ask for.  They have taken care of me through my emotionally abusive marriage to their father and were there supporting me when I finally took their advice and ended it.  They were there with me when I was living on my own for the first time in my life.  And they are here for me now that Fibro is a part of my life.  They help to take up the slack and pitch in and help with the things that I can do longer do around here.  Like Bill, they’ve never done anything to make me feel that they love me less or consider me a burden to have to help now that Fibro is part of our family.

My last lifetime contract is the greatest of all.  It’s my contract with Jesus, my personal  savior. I can’t imagine what it must have been like during Jesus’ time on earth to actually be in His presence and hear His voice.“Now we believe, not just because of what you have told us, but because we have heard Him ourselves.  Now we know that He is indeed the Savior of the world.” (John 4:42)

I’ve not heard Him like they did but I have heard Him as He talks to me through His Word and in my heart.  I believe that He loves me unconditionally and one day I will live with Him in a wonderful, pain free body in a glorious world free of sickness and full of joy.  I know that He hears me when the pain and stress of Fibro is too hard to bear and I cry out to Him.  I feel His loving arms around me holding me close.   His “promise revives me; it comforts me in my troubles”. (Psalm 119:50)

It’s not for me to know or understand why I was given the contract with Fibromyalgia to bear on this earth.  I do know that God has a reason and I pray that in some small way I am able to carry out the work He has called me to.