Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Of All the Things I've Lost, I Miss My Mind the Most

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and my wonderful hubby was off. It was a little on the warm side hot as blue blazes once again but it didn't seem to be nearly as humid as it has been.  Since Mr. Supportive (I keep reading blogs with "cute" names for their husbands so I thought he deserved one!) was off, I was able to get up, take my morning meds and go back to sleep until about 11. I do so much better when I can sleep almost straight through a 12 hour night.  We had a relaxing morning and then went to visit his mother.   My pain has gone back up to Level 4 and is pushing a Level 5

My "normal" every day pain is usually somewhere in between Levels 4 and 5.  The more active I am, the higher the pain goes. If you'll remember, last Tuesday I went grocery shopping. My pain jumped up to a Level 7  before I got home.  The way Fibromyalgia pain comes and goes is one of the worse aspects of this disease.  It's next to impossible to make any kind of plans. Many a time we've had plans that I felt confident I would be able to go through with because I had been at my normal pain level for several days. Sometimes, getting ready to go out will cause the pain to go up so quickly that we never leave the house.  Other times, we'll actually get where we are going before the pain escalates to an unmanageable level. When this happens, I try to suck it up and fake it.  When I'm doing this I have to try and stay away from Mr. Supportive and a few friends who can read my face like a book.  If they realize how bad I'm hurting, they worry about me and making me comfortable instead of having a good time.  Times like these are when I feel like a burden to my family and friends. I have become someone that they have to take care of instead of having fun.  I have become someone that my family and friends can no longer depend on to do what I say I will.

No longer being dependable was one of the hardest things to deal with when my illness got to the point it is.   I was the one that everyone knew they could depend on to get things done correctly and on time.  That's no longer the case.  The Fibro Fog has taken away the sharpness I once had.  Tasks that I once performed quickly and correctly are now a struggle to complete in three or four times as long and no matter how many times I proofread, it will be riddled with mistakes.  

Writing these blog posts is an example.  Once upon a time, I would have taken less than an hour to write something like this.  It would have had more and better content with pictures to break up the rows and rows of text. Now it takes me two or three hours to write a short post. I forget what I was saying in the middle of typing a sentence.   I loose track of how many times I have to proofread once I finally get it written.  Not only do I misspell words or use the wrong word, I leave entire words out.  Since I have trouble figuring out what I was trying to say, I'm sure that y'all would be totally lost.  It's frightening to think about how badly my writing skills have deteriorated.  Loosing mobility is hard to deal with but there are so many products on the market to increase your mobility that it's not a problem.  Loosing my thought process and writing skills - that's a much different problem.  There are no products on the market to help you remember what you were saying when your mind went blank. There are no products to help you learn new tasks and retain that knowledge.  There are no products to help you make decisions.  There are no products to allow you to grasp what is being said in a conversation so that you can contribute to the conversation.

Because of my memory deficit and foggy thinking, even if my body would cooperate and allow me to do some kind of work outside of the home, I can no longer be dependable for an employer. I can't guarantee that I would be at work, on time everyday.  I can't guarantee that I could meet deadlines with a quality product. I would be a detriment to the organization in the same way that I use to be a huge asset.

This is my life with fibromyalgia pain.

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